Thursday, December 24, 2009

Dating Advice form Culture's Biggest Strikeouts: Christmas Edition

Well the goose is not only getting fat but is now quite fat indeed. For that reason Christmas is known to have arrived. With Christmas Eve my family sits to watch the beloved classic "Muppet's Christmas Carol" and so we sat tonight. Lo and behold my sister recommended Scrooge as a contender from which we could derive bad dating advice. Thus I reflect:

Scrooge is an odd person who seems to fail at much more than dating. From those habits and his brief relationship with Ann (or Egg or whatever her name was) let's pick up how not to pick up.

1. Hate everything
A rough starting ground but sure to give off that 'bad boy' vibe I hear is so popular with the ladies.

2. Ignore charity
Nothing says weakness like giving to the poor and women like strong men.

3. Seek the counsel of ghosts
This works for Scrooge and he does become a better person. But from what I can tell only desperate people take the counsel of ghosts and when you hit rock bottom looking for a girlfriend is low priority. Scrooge's priority: coal consumption.

4. When you are in a frank discussion about your relationship and how unfeeling you are... abruptly shove an expensive gift in her face.
Arguments are for a moment but diamonds are forever. Am I right?

5. If your girlfriend breaks into a song about love being gone. Walk away.
Its too late and frankly she sings too much.

6. two words: Catch Phrase
The ladies eat them up. "Bah Humbug" "Bazinga" "Hammer time" The list is endless and you can't go wrong.

7. Lastly if everything has gone wrong. Scrooge recommends harboring a deep hatred for Christmas. It may not get you the girl but everyone in town will be talking about you... and popularity is the fast track to singles heaven.

Merry Christmas.

Patman the Merry