Spiritual Warfare

There comes a time in most people's live when they have to move from flippant jokes about living to a serious discussion about serious issues.

Today is not that day.

In 2003 I was introduced to Brad Longard, average Christian, decent guy and played saxophone. Brad introduced me to at least two cool things. The first was Seinfeld. The second was "Spiritual Warfare" which is not the meaningful, complicated and maybe even alarming practice of the church but rather the Nintendo Entertainment System's answer to the age old question: What do I do at 8:30 when youth group ends?

This game has it all.

Basic Premise: You are a Christian trying to make a difference in the world. Your goal destroy the devil. But how does one destroy the devil? Well for that you have two goals.

Goal #1: Collect the armor of God. By exploring the various areas in your city (which include the park, downtown, and the slums) you will meet "bosses" and defeat them. After defeating them you will find the armor piece they had. Now these armor pieces each boost your character. For example: the belt of truth allows you to push large objects (I for one think this is a logical jump from truth to superhuman strength but you can feel free to disagree). Collecting the armor and using their various atributes you can access the dark 'under-city' where apparently the devil lives (which I think is odd because I thought the ninja turtles lived under video game cities but perhaps thats a different town).

Ok so you have managed to maneuver your way into the lair of the devil and even get to see him face to face so now what?

Goal #2: Collect the fruit of the spirit and use it to convert everyone and everything and blow up the devil. That's right your main 'weapon' in the game is the fruit of the spirit which is represented by actual fruit. You throw the fruit at everybody and they get on their knees and then disappear (or rapture). This is true in most cases but watch out sometimes they have a demon in them so throw an extra fruit just in case and get the demon too. The fruit offers great variety. You can throw apples, pears, bananas, grapes and even pomegranates and they all act in different ways. Its mad fun and its saves souls. You also throw the fruit at the Devil. I recommend the grapes because it is a triple shot in an array of directions.

Other high lights:

1- Angels- they show up and ask you trivia. Which includes a very nerd boy who smiles when you get the answer right. Which, as those of you who grew up in Sunday School know, is an accurate description of what is important in church.

2- Wrath of God- in case the fruit just isn't enough you can throwdown a vial of the wrath of God and blow up rocks, walls and people (who I think convert).

3- Hymns- In poor sounding NES quality music you get "On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand" over and over and over and over again.

4 and perhaps my favorite- the Bar- You gotta be careful cause if you go in the bar you lose a piece of armor and have to buy it back at the pawn shop, in the slums, with you faith. (Oh Faith is currency you use to buy more fruit, health and is the prize from converting people and winning trivia)

All in all I'd say this is the most accurate picture of my life and faith ever produced into video game form. But like most Christian video games I think this one should be left behind.

Patman the Spiritual

Oh and here is a video if you don't believe me


Even Better I found where you can play it online